The Christmas Eve Post

I was in the back seat of the car. We were lost on Christmas Eve, wondering the streets of the suburbs of Vienna in search for our way home. Songs which were anything but christamsy played from the CDs made in the summer. It was kind of a blues collection. Oh wait! I recognize Bruno Mars with his ”when I see your smiiiiiiile….”

I do love the rides in the back seat. They don’t happen often and it means that I am left alone and in peace to day dream or get lost in thought as I blankly stare at the world going by. Then I started thinking about this blog post. We finally found the way. Probably by mistake.

My people whom I am going to call parents are on their way to a party. I refused to go because I knew everyone there and I had absolutely no pleasure in spending a late night with them. Stranded on the Red Sea for 7 days with them fixed me for this year (I will elaborate another time).

I am dropped off with the gifts we all just received at the ‘opening of presents gathering’ in the suburbs. There, in a 3 level apartment I got to be basically a photographer of a real family Christmas. It was nice , though I never minded receiving my gifts before Christmas cause my mom could not wait to give them to me. She would turn up a week before Christmas with something, a cell phone, a book, a dress and say: ‘here, but remember it’s for Christmas’. She would, in the end, have the need to say that a couple of times before the day, all to my advantage.

I was hugging my backpack in the car and I started to make a list of what I had in it. The obvious question was what I cherished more from in there. I had my Zenit with me. I hugged it tighter…but now that I think about it, my thought started from something different. I just remember saying to myself that I am just another person without her love near her on Christmas.

Probably, the realization that I was going back to an empty house (metaphorically cause the bloody house is full of stuff) and that my mood will be entertained by the latest Harry Potter movie sunk in.

The car was going through a tunnel when I thought that people worry so much about giving stuff to other people that maybe they don’t give themselves anything. This year I gave myself some space and time. Yep, I went all out on this one. And then I thought the we look to little inside and a lot more outside of ourselves. This probably one of the biggest clisee I could have said =)) , nonetheless, moving on through this chain thought, I remembered the timeline ‘line’ and video: ”Tell your life story…”. Wow! how it gets on my nerves. (

You must think I am a ‘hater’, but I am not. I like Facebook and I spend a lot of time on it, I enjoy it. Only when I feel that brands are just trying to make me look fucking stupid or treat me like I am stupid and dumb enough to try to tell my life story just by arranging and re-arranging photos and videos on a web page, well, then I get pissed off. So, to all biographers out there, YOU ARE FIRED and YOU ARE USELESS, FACEBOOK STOLE YOUR JOB! =))

I give a great importance to what words we use to construct messages. I think they calibrate our message very well . Maybe I give them more importance than I should…so when I read ‘tell your life story’ I take it to seriously.

Oh , but right before we drove in that tunel I was scared by a thought that was born out of this lyric: ”But I could never find the words to say stay, stay” (on the bluesy CD was Hurts song ‘Stay’). Looking back, it always seems that if you would have said the perfect words he would have turned back as he walked away, she would have never gotten so upset that night, he would have chosen you, she wouldn’t have had that false impression. So it’s my fault, every time he didn’t turn around, every bad first impression I made, every wrongly understood feeling I tried to communicate, every feeling unrequited.  It’s just that the movies and books never seem to show the perfect words said out loud after a huge struggle and then a bad outcome. Usually, saying the right thing brings you your loved one, the dream job, the forgiveness etc. I don’t know…I was just asking. I was just schriveled by the fact that sometimes I felt the words, but it was impossible to say them out loud.

Back on topic, do yourself a favor and ask yourself WHAT DO YOU WANT with NO RESTRICTIONS like ‘that would never happen’, ‘to expensive’, ‘to far away’. Knowing that really helps. Who knows, maybe Timeline was your life’s dream.

Talk the talk, walk the walk. What I really want right now is to catch a certain someone on skype and video call him with my new shinny HD webcam =)))))))

premiere photos found on

2 Responses to “The Christmas Eve Post”
  1. Jeyna Grace says:

    Emma’s dress is pretty!

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